Since August of '09, I have seemingly been 'punished' for any activity requiring standing or walking around. When I do this, my blood pressure drops to all-time lows and I experience ill feelings and symptoms as a result. Because of my need to sit most of the time, I have found that when I go anywhere my first instinct is to look for a chair or bench or some clean, safe object on which to rest my ever-decreasing toukas(sp). I also have developed a need for routing out the shortest walking distance to any destination (mostly the bathroom). My life has come to revolve around my daughter and husband and my illness. These are my priorities. The the first two came naturally, as a family, we have had to make room for the latter. My activity level for the day is typically determined by the physical state that I wake up in. And hopefully, if I have something planned for the day, I rested all of the day before to make it even slightly more possible.
I am not complaining nor requesting sympathy. I am simply stating what is so that when I say that I trust God with everything, you understand to what I am referring. I am not angry. I am not bitter. I would be lying if said that I don't sometimes question what God's purpose for this is. However, most days I am able to see His purpose clearly...He asks me daily to rely on Him for EVERYTHING. For strength(mentally and physically). For energy. For the ability to shower without passing out. To complete my daily tasks and to care for my daughter. I have to filter everything I do through Him, by asking Him to enable me to do it.
Most people do things without questioning their next move or the possible outcome. Often times, very stupid things are done and the consequences are endless. I don't have that option....thank God.
I don't like being ill. Don't get me wrong. But I can see where God is taking me through my illness and because of that I don't mind "sitting this one out". Things definitely look different in a chair. But I wouldn't have the opportunity to appreciate the view if I wasn't forced to. Don't allow life's challenges to keep you from enjoying a different aspect of 'the game'
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Another Day
I originally started this blog as a way to keep in touch with those I was leaving behind when we moved to Mansfield. Well, we can see how well that idea worked. My last entry was well over a year ago and so much in my life has changed to the point that I now feel it is necessary for me to get this thing up and running again. Not so much, this time, as a means to keep friends and family posted on the daily happenings at the Macdonald household, but as an avenue for me to live. I feel as though I have lost my voice in the midst of life's circumstances and it is now time for me to get it back...somehow.
It has been suggested to me, over and over, to write. "Tell your story", some have said. I have felt for a long time that my story isn't worth reading. Not that I look down on myself or think I'm less of a person than anyone else, but because I feel that no one wants to know that sometimes the most momentous part of my day was being able to take a shower without passing out. No one wants to walk through the fire with you, they just want to rejoice in knowing you survived the journey. A good friend of mine said to me a while back, "a true writer starts writing for themselves".
So here I am. Writing. Not for you...the reader(if those actually exist), but for me.
It has been suggested to me, over and over, to write. "Tell your story", some have said. I have felt for a long time that my story isn't worth reading. Not that I look down on myself or think I'm less of a person than anyone else, but because I feel that no one wants to know that sometimes the most momentous part of my day was being able to take a shower without passing out. No one wants to walk through the fire with you, they just want to rejoice in knowing you survived the journey. A good friend of mine said to me a while back, "a true writer starts writing for themselves".
So here I am. Writing. Not for you...the reader(if those actually exist), but for me.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
People and Popcorn
Have you ever had to work with someone who really got under your skin? Maybe they were rude on so many levels or just plain disrespectful. Or their personality clashed with yours in a major way.
I taught a group of girls ages 9-11 last year. During a lesson that required instruction on how to deal with such people, I told them about the term EGR. EGR is an abbreviation used to describe a person or situation where Extra Grace is Required. I instructed them to pray for their EGR's regularly and ask God for the grace needed to handle them. At the time I was teaching this, I never imagined that roughly a year later I would have more EGR's than I can count on a hand!
I have questioned, this week, whether or not God actually provides that much grace. Believe me, I have had my doubts and rightfully so. When a 55 year old woman rolls her eyes after you made a small request of her, you start to question a lot of things. What wolf raised her? For one. But also, how do you love someone in spite of themselves?
I got to a point, sometime yesterday, where I had written off all people in Ohio. Mansfield especially. I have felt, recently, like I was caught in some kind of black hole where the drudges of society now reside and I was accidently placed here to roam among them. "Oh God, Give me GRACE".... "Restore my faith in people here and show me that they're not all that bad".....were the words I uttered.
In response to my prayer, God gave me popcorn! Now you have to understand that I have no kitchen right now....no microwave, no stove, no popcorn! You also need to understand that popcorn is a passion of mine and I love to pop it on the stove and pour melted butter and sugar over it. It's divine! You have to try mine to understand. Anyway, I was sharing my love of popcorn with someone Sunday morning and how I'm going through withdrawal. So what do they do? They bring in a giant bowl of popcorn tonight! And I am eating it while I type.
Honestly, I would take my popcorn over people any day. But when people give you popcorn, you can't help but love them.
I taught a group of girls ages 9-11 last year. During a lesson that required instruction on how to deal with such people, I told them about the term EGR. EGR is an abbreviation used to describe a person or situation where Extra Grace is Required. I instructed them to pray for their EGR's regularly and ask God for the grace needed to handle them. At the time I was teaching this, I never imagined that roughly a year later I would have more EGR's than I can count on a hand!
I have questioned, this week, whether or not God actually provides that much grace. Believe me, I have had my doubts and rightfully so. When a 55 year old woman rolls her eyes after you made a small request of her, you start to question a lot of things. What wolf raised her? For one. But also, how do you love someone in spite of themselves?
I got to a point, sometime yesterday, where I had written off all people in Ohio. Mansfield especially. I have felt, recently, like I was caught in some kind of black hole where the drudges of society now reside and I was accidently placed here to roam among them. "Oh God, Give me GRACE".... "Restore my faith in people here and show me that they're not all that bad".....were the words I uttered.
In response to my prayer, God gave me popcorn! Now you have to understand that I have no kitchen right now....no microwave, no stove, no popcorn! You also need to understand that popcorn is a passion of mine and I love to pop it on the stove and pour melted butter and sugar over it. It's divine! You have to try mine to understand. Anyway, I was sharing my love of popcorn with someone Sunday morning and how I'm going through withdrawal. So what do they do? They bring in a giant bowl of popcorn tonight! And I am eating it while I type.
Honestly, I would take my popcorn over people any day. But when people give you popcorn, you can't help but love them.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tearing Down Walls
Tomorrow begins yet another adventure for the Macdonald family. The demo will begin on our kitchen and hopefully soon a new one will be put in it's place. Everything will be torn out...the crooked cabinets and cast iron sink that are original to our 83 year old gem, five layers of flooring and even a wall! It is going to be quite the experience and we are open to dinner invitations for the next month! :-)
It's amazing that we are even starting this process and I will, within financial reason, be getting my dream kitchen. We found some connections in the church last week with an Amish craftsman who lives about 20mins from us. He went over our sketches that we had drawn up at Lowes and was able to offer all of the "extras" we wanted (including a custom-made roll-out butcher block) for WAY less. Meeting with him was, of course, an experience and our kitchen is going to tell quite a story. Tally enjoyed playing with all the kittens in the yard and seeing the horse and buggy parked in the drive. Two of his younger kids came out to check out us "English" folks...I'm not sure what they thought of Robert. And they only speak Pennsylvania Dutch till they learn English in school. Apparently, even the little boys wear a dress until they are potty trained(very practical) and though his son was potty trained-he just like to wear his dress(as explained by "Mr. Yoder"). As we were pulling away from his house, I thought to myself, "We're not in Kansas anymore". We have embarked on a whole new venture that is already taking me in directions I NEVER thought I would go. It's so amazing the fulness God brings to our lives when we relinquish control.
I still do not have a job, as of yet. My hospital contact seemed to be stringing me along all this time. By Wednesday of last week, I was quite discouraged and disappointed with nothing seeming to be available. I find it quite odd that they would be unaffected by the nursing shortage here in Mansfield. Anywho, I put job hunting aside for a moment and gave the local foster-to-adopt agency a call. As it turns out-classes start this Tuesday and will run weekly till the end of November. While the job process is taking longer than anticipated, the adoption process is going forward quickly.
We took Tally to a local park yesterday and since we have made the habit of letting her toss a coin into the one fountain to make a "wish" she asked to do so. She ran up to the fountain, chucked the coin in and ran back to us. Upon her return, I asked her what she wished for. "A baby", she said. Then I asked her if it was a baby doll for her or a baby sister for mommy to hold. Her response was, "One for Tally, one for mommy and one for daddy". Since we lost the possibility of the twin girls in May, she has been convinced that we are getting 3 babies. I'm not sure where she came up with this number, but Lord have mercy on us if she is speaking prophetically!
I'm off to continue my job hunting, but will keep you posted with the remodeling and other life-happenings.
It's amazing that we are even starting this process and I will, within financial reason, be getting my dream kitchen. We found some connections in the church last week with an Amish craftsman who lives about 20mins from us. He went over our sketches that we had drawn up at Lowes and was able to offer all of the "extras" we wanted (including a custom-made roll-out butcher block) for WAY less. Meeting with him was, of course, an experience and our kitchen is going to tell quite a story. Tally enjoyed playing with all the kittens in the yard and seeing the horse and buggy parked in the drive. Two of his younger kids came out to check out us "English" folks...I'm not sure what they thought of Robert. And they only speak Pennsylvania Dutch till they learn English in school. Apparently, even the little boys wear a dress until they are potty trained(very practical) and though his son was potty trained-he just like to wear his dress(as explained by "Mr. Yoder"). As we were pulling away from his house, I thought to myself, "We're not in Kansas anymore". We have embarked on a whole new venture that is already taking me in directions I NEVER thought I would go. It's so amazing the fulness God brings to our lives when we relinquish control.
I still do not have a job, as of yet. My hospital contact seemed to be stringing me along all this time. By Wednesday of last week, I was quite discouraged and disappointed with nothing seeming to be available. I find it quite odd that they would be unaffected by the nursing shortage here in Mansfield. Anywho, I put job hunting aside for a moment and gave the local foster-to-adopt agency a call. As it turns out-classes start this Tuesday and will run weekly till the end of November. While the job process is taking longer than anticipated, the adoption process is going forward quickly.
We took Tally to a local park yesterday and since we have made the habit of letting her toss a coin into the one fountain to make a "wish" she asked to do so. She ran up to the fountain, chucked the coin in and ran back to us. Upon her return, I asked her what she wished for. "A baby", she said. Then I asked her if it was a baby doll for her or a baby sister for mommy to hold. Her response was, "One for Tally, one for mommy and one for daddy". Since we lost the possibility of the twin girls in May, she has been convinced that we are getting 3 babies. I'm not sure where she came up with this number, but Lord have mercy on us if she is speaking prophetically!
I'm off to continue my job hunting, but will keep you posted with the remodeling and other life-happenings.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Not for Me
On Saturday, there was another bombing in a New Delhi market place. This time a black bag was throne from a motorcycle by two men. A young boy picked up the bag in an attempt to return it to them and it exploded in his hands, decapitating him. A young girl was near by and also was immediately hit by the blast. A few others were killed and several severely injured.
Robert has been staying and working right in the area that these bombings have taken place in. I gotta say, even though this has not been labeled as such, it is indeed a war-zone. Knowing that your loved one is in the middle of it is rather frightening and for the record...I could never be a military wife. NOT FOR ME!!! I like having the security of knowing we are all safe and don't have to worry about which market just might be hit next and will my husband be there?
He'll be home Friday morning at 4:30-not a moment too soon. I think it will be a while before I am comfortable with him going on another trip. I think the only reasonable solution to eliminate this stress is to go shopping. I'm sure many would agree that making a good purchase just calms all fears. So today, I will be out and about buying things for our wonderful new home that I am not anxious to get back into and begin our remodeling.
Until next time...
Robert has been staying and working right in the area that these bombings have taken place in. I gotta say, even though this has not been labeled as such, it is indeed a war-zone. Knowing that your loved one is in the middle of it is rather frightening and for the record...I could never be a military wife. NOT FOR ME!!! I like having the security of knowing we are all safe and don't have to worry about which market just might be hit next and will my husband be there?
He'll be home Friday morning at 4:30-not a moment too soon. I think it will be a while before I am comfortable with him going on another trip. I think the only reasonable solution to eliminate this stress is to go shopping. I'm sure many would agree that making a good purchase just calms all fears. So today, I will be out and about buying things for our wonderful new home that I am not anxious to get back into and begin our remodeling.
Until next time...
Friday, September 26, 2008
Absence makes the.....
"Heart grow weary" should be the rest of that well known phrase. It is absolutely exhausting knowing that the love of your life is in a country that contains people who are making violent displays of hatred toward those who share the very basis of beliefs that we do. Wow! To be hated so much for identifying with a certain religion. Threats have been made toward one of the local pastors that Robert is working with while in India for these 12 days. Unfortunately, due to this and the bombings that have taken place in Delhi, they have had to rearrange some of their schedule and location of events. We take our freedom and overall safety for granted here in the States. It's definitely worth fighting for.
Tally, on the other hand, has been such a buddy. She has had a bit of a rough time with the overall adjustment of moving and it reared it's ugly head mostly through behavior. Getting strep throat certainly didn't help the matter. So, I decided to take this time while Robert is away and Tally and I are at Papa's (my dad's), to reassure her that her life is still somewhat secure and that no matter what we really truly love her. So, she and I have been hangin' out. She's been able to see some "old" friends(their 3yrs old) and spend time with Papa. Tonight, I even got to get out of the house and go to my old MOPs group to see some friends while Tally stayed with my dad. I went for coffee with a friend afterward and returned at 1:15am(what can I say, lots to catch up on) to find out that Tally had just gone to bed 15 mins prior. She and her Papa havin' a blast and a midnight snack(cheese to be exact). Though she is nowhere close to being on a normal schedule, she has certainly been acting as though she is more secure and settled with life's happenings. I am just hoping that going back to Ohio won't be an even more traumatic adjustment.
It's 2:30am and in spite of the fact that Tally will probably be sleeping till noon, I still need to get to bed. Love to all! Please keep us in your prayers!
Tally, on the other hand, has been such a buddy. She has had a bit of a rough time with the overall adjustment of moving and it reared it's ugly head mostly through behavior. Getting strep throat certainly didn't help the matter. So, I decided to take this time while Robert is away and Tally and I are at Papa's (my dad's), to reassure her that her life is still somewhat secure and that no matter what we really truly love her. So, she and I have been hangin' out. She's been able to see some "old" friends(their 3yrs old) and spend time with Papa. Tonight, I even got to get out of the house and go to my old MOPs group to see some friends while Tally stayed with my dad. I went for coffee with a friend afterward and returned at 1:15am(what can I say, lots to catch up on) to find out that Tally had just gone to bed 15 mins prior. She and her Papa havin' a blast and a midnight snack(cheese to be exact). Though she is nowhere close to being on a normal schedule, she has certainly been acting as though she is more secure and settled with life's happenings. I am just hoping that going back to Ohio won't be an even more traumatic adjustment.
It's 2:30am and in spite of the fact that Tally will probably be sleeping till noon, I still need to get to bed. Love to all! Please keep us in your prayers!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Mending Fences
We had a storm blow through Mansfield this week. It was quite nasty and gave us quite a bit more work to do on the exterior of the house. It knocked down the gate in the front of the house and busted the one on the other side. So, today Robert had his work cut out for him as he had to replace some of the slats and re-mount the swinging doors. He also managed to lay some new laminate flooring in my soon-to-be office and hung all the new curtains and rods I purchased this week. It's starting to feel like home. We are trying our best to separate immediate and long-term goals and do what is necessary to the house first. We have a good amount of work ahead of us, but we have only been in the house a week and have tackled a good chunk of it.
Tally, somehow, got Strep throat this week and bit her cheek on Wednesday....therefore, she has not eaten a thing since then. She was even offered brownies and fruit snacks and cried when she couldn't eat it. It was a sad week for her and me too as I have watched this torture take place. I also have been fighting off a similar illness and she and I have been watching chick-flicks together for the last few days. Tonight was the first night she was able to eat. The poor thing was only able to chew on one side of her mouth.
She absolutely LOVES church which is a huge relief to me. She looks so forward to going to her class and seeing her new friends. I am so proud of her for being such a little people person. She is so much like her Aunt Julie was at this age...she could make friends anywhere and she did.
Well, just as we are feeling more and more settled in our house, we will be packing our bags and heading back to PA on Sunday. Robert will be leaving for India with my mother on Monday and Tally and I will be spending the 10 days their gone with my father a.k.a. Papa. Tally is thrilled and I am looking forward to spending some time with friends I've been missing for the last three weeks.
Tally, somehow, got Strep throat this week and bit her cheek on Wednesday....therefore, she has not eaten a thing since then. She was even offered brownies and fruit snacks and cried when she couldn't eat it. It was a sad week for her and me too as I have watched this torture take place. I also have been fighting off a similar illness and she and I have been watching chick-flicks together for the last few days. Tonight was the first night she was able to eat. The poor thing was only able to chew on one side of her mouth.
She absolutely LOVES church which is a huge relief to me. She looks so forward to going to her class and seeing her new friends. I am so proud of her for being such a little people person. She is so much like her Aunt Julie was at this age...she could make friends anywhere and she did.
Well, just as we are feeling more and more settled in our house, we will be packing our bags and heading back to PA on Sunday. Robert will be leaving for India with my mother on Monday and Tally and I will be spending the 10 days their gone with my father a.k.a. Papa. Tally is thrilled and I am looking forward to spending some time with friends I've been missing for the last three weeks.
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