a few random thoughts...

A Different Perspective

2010-05-26T19:34:00.000-04:00

Since August of '09, I have seemingly been 'punished' for any activity requiring standing or walking around. When I do this, my blood pressure drops to all-time lows and I experience ill feelings and symptoms as a result. Because of my need to sit most of the time, I have found that when I go anywhere my first instinct is to look for a chair or bench or some clean, safe object on which to rest my ever-decreasing toukas(sp). I also have developed a need for routing out the shortest walking distance to any destination (mostly the bathroom). My life has come to revolve around my daughter and husband and my illness. These are my priorities. The the first two came naturally, as a family, we have had to make room for the latter. My activity level for the day is typically determined by the physical state that I wake up in. And hopefully, if I have something planned for the day, I rested all of the day before to make it even slightly more possible.

I am not complaining nor requesting sympathy. I am simply stating what is so that when I say that I trust God with everything, you understand to what I am referring. I am not angry. I am not bitter. I would be lying if said that I don't sometimes question what God's purpose for this is. However, most days I am able to see His purpose clearly...He asks me daily to rely on Him for EVERYTHING. For strength(mentally and physically). For energy. For the ability to shower without passing out. To complete my daily tasks and to care for my daughter. I have to filter everything I do through Him, by asking Him to enable me to do it.

Most people do things without questioning their next move or the possible outcome. Often times, very stupid things are done and the consequences are endless. I don't have that option....thank God.

I don't like being ill. Don't get me wrong. But I can see where God is taking me through my illness and because of that I don't mind "sitting this one out". Things definitely look different in a chair. But I wouldn't have the opportunity to appreciate the view if I wasn't forced to. Don't allow life's challenges to keep you from enjoying a different aspect of 'the game'

Another Day

2010-05-12T19:30:00.003-04:00

I originally started this blog as a way to keep in touch with those I was leaving behind when we moved to Mansfield. Well, we can see how well that idea worked. My last entry was well over a year ago and so much in my life has changed to the point that I now feel it is necessary for me to get this thing up and running again. Not so much, this time, as a means to keep friends and family posted on the daily happenings at the Macdonald household, but as an avenue for me to live. I feel as though I have lost my voice in the midst of life's circumstances and it is now time for me to get it back...somehow.
It has been suggested to me, over and over, to write. "Tell your story", some have said. I have felt for a long time that my story isn't worth reading. Not that I look down on myself or think I'm less of a person than anyone else, but because I feel that no one wants to know that sometimes the most momentous part of my day was being able to take a shower without passing out. No one wants to walk through the fire with you, they just want to rejoice in knowing you survived the journey. A good friend of mine said to me a while back, "a true writer starts writing for themselves".
So here I am. Writing. Not for you...the reader(if those actually exist), but for me.

People and Popcorn

2008-11-05T21:54:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had to work with someone who really got under your skin? Maybe they were rude on so many levels or just plain disrespectful. Or their personality clashed with yours in a major way.
I taught a group of girls ages 9-11 last year. During a lesson that required instruction on how to deal with such people, I told them about the term EGR. EGR is an abbreviation used to describe a person or situation where Extra Grace is Required. I instructed them to pray for their EGR's regularly and ask God for the grace needed to handle them. At the time I was teaching this, I never imagined that roughly a year later I would have more EGR's than I can count on a hand!

I have questioned, this week, whether or not God actually provides that much grace. Believe me, I have had my doubts and rightfully so. When a 55 year old woman rolls her eyes after you made a small request of her, you start to question a lot of things. What wolf raised her? For one. But also, how do you love someone in spite of themselves?

I got to a point, sometime yesterday, where I had written off all people in Ohio. Mansfield especially. I have felt, recently, like I was caught in some kind of black hole where the drudges of society now reside and I was accidently placed here to roam among them. "Oh God, Give me GRACE".... "Restore my faith in people here and show me that they're not all that bad".....were the words I uttered.

In response to my prayer, God gave me popcorn! Now you have to understand that I have no kitchen right now....no microwave, no stove, no popcorn! You also need to understand that popcorn is a passion of mine and I love to pop it on the stove and pour melted butter and sugar over it. It's divine! You have to try mine to understand. Anyway, I was sharing my love of popcorn with someone Sunday morning and how I'm going through withdrawal. So what do they do? They bring in a giant bowl of popcorn tonight! And I am eating it while I type.

Honestly, I would take my popcorn over people any day. But when people give you popcorn, you can't help but love them.

Tearing Down Walls

2008-10-12T16:45:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow begins yet another adventure for the Macdonald family. The demo will begin on our kitchen and hopefully soon a new one will be put in it's place. Everything will be torn out...the crooked cabinets and cast iron sink that are original to our 83 year old gem, five layers of flooring and even a wall! It is going to be quite the experience and we are open to dinner invitations for the next month! :-)
It's amazing that we are even starting this process and I will, within financial reason, be getting my dream kitchen. We found some connections in the church last week with an Amish craftsman who lives about 20mins from us. He went over our sketches that we had drawn up at Lowes and was able to offer all of the "extras" we wanted (including a custom-made roll-out butcher block) for WAY less. Meeting with him was, of course, an experience and our kitchen is going to tell quite a story. Tally enjoyed playing with all the kittens in the yard and seeing the horse and buggy parked in the drive. Two of his younger kids came out to check out us "English" folks...I'm not sure what they thought of Robert. And they only speak Pennsylvania Dutch till they learn English in school. Apparently, even the little boys wear a dress until they are potty trained(very practical) and though his son was potty trained-he just like to wear his dress(as explained by "Mr. Yoder"). As we were pulling away from his house, I thought to myself, "We're not in Kansas anymore". We have embarked on a whole new venture that is already taking me in directions I NEVER thought I would go. It's so amazing the fulness God brings to our lives when we relinquish control.

I still do not have a job, as of yet. My hospital contact seemed to be stringing me along all this time. By Wednesday of last week, I was quite discouraged and disappointed with nothing seeming to be available. I find it quite odd that they would be unaffected by the nursing shortage here in Mansfield. Anywho, I put job hunting aside for a moment and gave the local foster-to-adopt agency a call. As it turns out-classes start this Tuesday and will run weekly till the end of November. While the job process is taking longer than anticipated, the adoption process is going forward quickly.

We took Tally to a local park yesterday and since we have made the habit of letting her toss a coin into the one fountain to make a "wish" she asked to do so. She ran up to the fountain, chucked the coin in and ran back to us. Upon her return, I asked her what she wished for. "A baby", she said. Then I asked her if it was a baby doll for her or a baby sister for mommy to hold. Her response was, "One for Tally, one for mommy and one for daddy". Since we lost the possibility of the twin girls in May, she has been convinced that we are getting 3 babies. I'm not sure where she came up with this number, but Lord have mercy on us if she is speaking prophetically!

I'm off to continue my job hunting, but will keep you posted with the remodeling and other life-happenings.

Not for Me

2008-10-01T07:32:00.002-04:00

On Saturday, there was another bombing in a New Delhi market place. This time a black bag was throne from a motorcycle by two men. A young boy picked up the bag in an attempt to return it to them and it exploded in his hands, decapitating him. A young girl was near by and also was immediately hit by the blast. A few others were killed and several severely injured.
Robert has been staying and working right in the area that these bombings have taken place in. I gotta say, even though this has not been labeled as such, it is indeed a war-zone. Knowing that your loved one is in the middle of it is rather frightening and for the record...I could never be a military wife. NOT FOR ME!!! I like having the security of knowing we are all safe and don't have to worry about which market just might be hit next and will my husband be there?
He'll be home Friday morning at 4:30-not a moment too soon. I think it will be a while before I am comfortable with him going on another trip. I think the only reasonable solution to eliminate this stress is to go shopping. I'm sure many would agree that making a good purchase just calms all fears. So today, I will be out and about buying things for our wonderful new home that I am not anxious to get back into and begin our remodeling.
Until next time...

Absence makes the.....

2008-09-26T01:44:00.004-04:00

"Heart grow weary" should be the rest of that well known phrase. It is absolutely exhausting knowing that the love of your life is in a country that contains people who are making violent displays of hatred toward those who share the very basis of beliefs that we do. Wow! To be hated so much for identifying with a certain religion. Threats have been made toward one of the local pastors that Robert is working with while in India for these 12 days. Unfortunately, due to this and the bombings that have taken place in Delhi, they have had to rearrange some of their schedule and location of events. We take our freedom and overall safety for granted here in the States. It's definitely worth fighting for.
Tally, on the other hand, has been such a buddy. She has had a bit of a rough time with the overall adjustment of moving and it reared it's ugly head mostly through behavior. Getting strep throat certainly didn't help the matter. So, I decided to take this time while Robert is away and Tally and I are at Papa's (my dad's), to reassure her that her life is still somewhat secure and that no matter what we really truly love her. So, she and I have been hangin' out. She's been able to see some "old" friends(their 3yrs old) and spend time with Papa. Tonight, I even got to get out of the house and go to my old MOPs group to see some friends while Tally stayed with my dad. I went for coffee with a friend afterward and returned at 1:15am(what can I say, lots to catch up on) to find out that Tally had just gone to bed 15 mins prior. She and her Papa havin' a blast and a midnight snack(cheese to be exact). Though she is nowhere close to being on a normal schedule, she has certainly been acting as though she is more secure and settled with life's happenings. I am just hoping that going back to Ohio won't be an even more traumatic adjustment.
It's 2:30am and in spite of the fact that Tally will probably be sleeping till noon, I still need to get to bed. Love to all! Please keep us in your prayers!

Mending Fences

2008-09-19T19:48:00.002-04:00

We had a storm blow through Mansfield this week. It was quite nasty and gave us quite a bit more work to do on the exterior of the house. It knocked down the gate in the front of the house and busted the one on the other side. So, today Robert had his work cut out for him as he had to replace some of the slats and re-mount the swinging doors. He also managed to lay some new laminate flooring in my soon-to-be office and hung all the new curtains and rods I purchased this week. It's starting to feel like home. We are trying our best to separate immediate and long-term goals and do what is necessary to the house first. We have a good amount of work ahead of us, but we have only been in the house a week and have tackled a good chunk of it.

Tally, somehow, got Strep throat this week and bit her cheek on Wednesday....therefore, she has not eaten a thing since then. She was even offered brownies and fruit snacks and cried when she couldn't eat it. It was a sad week for her and me too as I have watched this torture take place. I also have been fighting off a similar illness and she and I have been watching chick-flicks together for the last few days. Tonight was the first night she was able to eat. The poor thing was only able to chew on one side of her mouth.
She absolutely LOVES church which is a huge relief to me. She looks so forward to going to her class and seeing her new friends. I am so proud of her for being such a little people person. She is so much like her Aunt Julie was at this age...she could make friends anywhere and she did.

Well, just as we are feeling more and more settled in our house, we will be packing our bags and heading back to PA on Sunday. Robert will be leaving for India with my mother on Monday and Tally and I will be spending the 10 days their gone with my father a.k.a. Papa. Tally is thrilled and I am looking forward to spending some time with friends I've been missing for the last three weeks.

SOLD!!!!

2008-09-13T19:33:00.005-04:00

We FINALLY closed on our house yesterday. The total number of HUD's that were drawn up was 19. Usually there is only 1, but because of the psycho-drauma our lender provided, we had an extreme number of 'final HUD's'. Our realtor told us she had never encountered such problems with a lender in the entire 12 years she's been in this business. Thank God it is over. I really don't like living out of a suitcase when all of our belongings are across town.
The sign outside our house finally reads 'Sold' and we were able to spend our first night in our new home last night. Though we are still climbing over boxes and getting rid of a few extra residents that have set up camp in the corners of rooms, we are HOME! We will begin making memories here, celebrating holidays here and of course, welcoming more children into our lives here.
It's funny how you can actually fall in love with a house. The detail and personality of a home can capture you from the moment you lay eyes on it. And you and only you are willing to put up with or attempt to change it's many flaws and temperament. Though we have only been in the house for a total of 30 hours, we are already past the honeymoon phase. Our projects for the day included a trip to Home Depot to buy a toilet to replace our European wonder that resides in our bathroom as well as wood flooring so that we can rip out the only patch of carpet in the entire house and turned out to be cat-scented. Certainly not the 'new home' scent we are going for.
This morning, I came downstairs into our new living room, crossed the floor and opened the french doors leading to the dining room. When I did, the glass knob to the door fell off onto the floor. Later this morning, Robert went to open our closet doors and the wooden knob to the bi-folding doors fell off as well. We are not even here for a day and it's falling apart. Not really, but two knobs in one morning is kind of ironic.
Anywho, we are just happy to be homeowners. We love that whatever we do to this house will benefit us in the years to come.
Tomorrow will be our second Sunday at our new church and already we have gotten into a groove here. Tally loves her classes and has met several new friends. Robert has been getting to know his worship team and they have all been quite welcoming. And I have found my seat on the front pew with the other pastors and their wives. This is quite a switch from the back row. :-)

Somewhere between here and there

2008-09-06T20:24:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I did not go over to "our house". I did not want to look at it or have anything to do with it. Luckily we're staying at my aunt's house, so I could just ignore the fact that I have an entire house to unpack. The clincher still being; we don't own it and therefore are leary to go full speed ahead. Instead, Tally and I went to a local place called "What's for Dessert?". I got a very large cappuccino and a cookie called a "Buckeye", which she and I split...it was AMAZING. We then went to the grocery store where I was told, in five different and insistant ways, that 'Jesus Loves Me' by this guy who, even when agreeing with him, just wouldn't let up. I made dinner for the first time in two weeks and made sure Robert and I took a break from life and watch a movie. My aunt and uncle joined us and it was the first relaxed evening we've had in weeks.
Today, I ventured over to the house to simply 'pick up' a few things that I needed back at my aunts as we are heading into week two of our nomad lifestyle. As soon as I got into the house I couldn't help but to begin sorting through items. I unloaded and organized everything that needed to go into the bathroom. I gotta say, as overwhelming as it is to know there is an entire house filled with boxes that need sorting and organizing, the sense of accomplishment you feel when you've conquered just one box is quite satisfying. I've got a lot of satisfying moments to look forward to.
Tomorrow we will attend our first Sunday service at Mansfield First Assembly as Pastoral staff. The last few months of preparation for moving and starting over was not at all what I needed to sort through the piles of emotions that I've found myself in the midst of this week. In Stroudsburg, I always knew someone who knew someone else who could recommend this or that or knew my family because of some event or another. Here...I am just me. Stripped of all I've known, I am grasping for connection. There was no one to call this week to ask to watch Tally at the drop of a hat or help unpack boxes. It's a very alone feeling and yet, I know it won't always be this way. Relationships take time. You gotta be a friend to make a friend. Tomorrow I will be in search of some good friend material to invest in.
I will be following Tally's lead on 'how to make a friend'. She seems to have it down as she met little Sara on Wednesday, got the screaming child to stop and smile, and mentioned she wanted to see her at her new church tomorrow. Who can I make smile tomorrow? Who needs some encouragement? If I make a difference, I will look forward to seeing how they are the next time we meet.
I may be in the middle of where I've been and where I'm going, but I feel God's guidance and direction with every step and it's comforting.

Unraveled

2008-09-04T20:44:00.004-04:00

One day my, almost three year old, daughter called me to the bathroom to inform me that we were out of toilet paper. "How is that possible", I thought, "I just changed the role". When I asked her where it all went, she replied, "I put it in the toilet". She made a motion that revealed how she had unroled it directly into the toilet and attempted to flush the evidence. Unfortunately, our toilet just didn't have the pressure to move it along.
Since we sat down with our loan officer, about two months ago, I feel like the entire loan application and house buying process has been like toilet paper that has been unraveled into a toilet that does not have the power to flush it and all we are left with is a huge mess to wade through.
Today, as a result of our loan-type changing for the third time, we had to scrape and prime all of the areas on our home-to-be where the paint was either peeling or chipping. This happened to be the entire detached two-car garage and all of the trim on the entire house. We were able to get a small crew of guys to help with this monstrous task and Thank God we got it done in time for it to be appraised AGAIN tomorrow(it's been appraised 3 times). And all this work, mind you, is on a house we don't even own. We also have our stuff in the house, but are not allowed to sleep there because we don't officially own it. To top it all off, we had the utilities changed over to our name yesterday.
This whole thing could make ya nuts, and yet we keep on going. Robert led worship for his first service last night and did a great job. Tally sat through most of the service and then she really wanted to go to her class. She was in the Rainbows class and LOVED it. She even made a friend named Sara! And me, well, I am exhausted trying to assist everyone with the transition and make it as smooth as possible while still keeping up with everything that has changed and is changing and will change. Other than that, this is quite the adventure and I am so glad for the family support that we have here and the fact that my aunt is letting us stay at her house until we get settled is amazing.
I will do my best to keep you up on life's happenings. At this point our projected closing date is September 12-two full weeks later from the original close date. I'm falling asleep writing my own blog...NITE!

Putting Life In A Box

2008-08-29T09:53:00.003-04:00

About two months ago my husband received a phone call. One that has inevitably changed our lives. I am currently sitting in a sea of boxes that contain the pieces of my life that are tangible. Since we began the process of relocating from Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania to Mansfield, Ohio, I not only realized how much stuff I have, but how much we accumulate that becomes a part of us--even if it's ugly! The closet under the stairwell revealed much of this ugliness that I speak of. My old collections and random items that were never 'good enough' to display in the house, but held enough of a memory to keep it around.
I have lived in this area for 14 years. I grew up here. Got married here. Had my little girl here. So many memories that have been stored. Some that are so dear to me I will hold them in my heart forever. And others, well, there are some that I have been trying to discard of for years and just can't seem to let it go. If I have learned one thing in the last two months, it would be this... There is freedom in throwing junk away! This includes what's in your house and your heart.
As we continue our journey of buying our first home and moving many miles away, please come with us as I attempt to keep you well informed.